Hello Again

When I was 19, just after my freshman year of college, I got a call from my Mother telling me that our next-door neighbors Adam and Daniel had been killed in a car accident.  Adam was 16 and driving himself and Daniel back from a game of tennis when he lost control of his car and slammed into a tree.  Daniel, 14, was killed instantly.  Adam held on until he got to the hospital and then, from what I understand, was taken off life support.  Besides the shock and pain I felt at losing two friends from childhood so suddenly and violently, I was consumed with worry- did Adam know what he had done?  Was he conscious long enough to know that Daniel was dead?  I remember thinking that I don't think I would fight very hard to live if I knew that I had done something that caused Andrea's death.

A few weeks after their deaths, I had a dream.  I was watching Andrea play basketball on an unfamiliar court, surrounded by woods.  Adam stepped out from the trees and came towards us.  He never said anything and he didn't move, he just watched.  And then smiled. 

I told my suite-mate, Carmen, about this dream.  She told me that Adam had come to let me know that he was okay, that he wasn't in pain and wasn't sad.  That I didn't need to worry about him and what had happened here.  I felt comforted.

Since then, I have lost my cousin Eric and my grandmother.  Both have appeared in my dreams over the years, never talking, but always present.  Once, I rode a motorcycle with Eric and in one dream, Mimi just watched from a chair.  I even had a dream with Rugby in it, not too long ago.  I got to pet him and tell him good-bye.  In the dreams, I know the people (and puppies) are not supposed to be there- I know, even subconsciously, that they are gone.  But I always wake up comforted and feeling looked after.

Last night I had a dream about Mom.  This one was different.  We talked.  Not about anything important, in fact, it was fairly trivial, if I am remembering correctly.  But it was one of those trivial things that would normally have bugged me.  If we had really had that conversation, I would've been frustrated with her.  In the dream, I knew that.  But I was able to talk to her kindly and appreciate what she was saying and trying to do.  It felt good.  Very good.

I don't know what that dream means.  I'm going to pretend that it means that, of course, Mom is watching over me.  But I'm also going to believe that she knew that I never meant to hurt her. 

It could just mean I'm feeling guilty, though.